This weekend’s Republican state convention portends the most amusing and bizarre political spectacle since the GOP’s Astrodome presidential confab in 1992, when Pats Buchanan and Robertson teamed up with Dan and Marilyn Quayle to undertake an exorcism of the GOP.
With all three of the still-standing, Republican wannabes headed for the luxurious San Francisco Airport Hyatt Regency, the Calbuzz National Affairs Desk will have reinforcements parachuting in from our bureaus in Brussels, Beijing, Rio and Rough and Ready, Ca. (pop 963).
Here is a look at the nine key questions they’ll be pursuing as thousands of delegates, hacks, flacks, job seekers and journos descend on Baghdad by the Bay – well, fashionable Burlingame anyway, for three days of gaiety and jollification. Plenty of free parking.
Will Cruz dare use a San Francisco bathroom? Ted “Grandpa Munster” Cruz has been howling for weeks over Donald Trump’s stated lack of concern about transgender people threatening Judeo-Christian values by invading rest rooms everywhere. Now that Lucifer in the Flesh finds himself smack dab in the middle of the nation’s depravity and debauchery belt, will he feel safe entering any comfort station in California – or will he go wee-wee-wee all the way home?
Will Lewandowski toss Marinucci into the Bay — or vice versa? Trump thug and erstwhile chief strategist Corey Lewandowski famously was charged with battery for trying to fend off a make-believe ballpoint attack on his boss by pint-sized news hen Michelle Fields. Just wait ‘til he gets a load of Costco Carla Marinucci’s banshee act if Politico’s chief California scribe gets close enough to ask The Donald a question.
Will Kasich go full hipster? John Kasich, who de-funded Planned Parenthood, shut down minority voting sites and tried to bust unions as Ohio’s governor, has styled himself as the reasonable moderate in the GOP race and plans to spend considerable time grubbing for votes in liberal Bay Area districts. We can’t wait to see news footage of Kasich sporting a man bun while free-wheeling a penny-farthing on Valencia Street, then venturing into a cruelty-free vegan café for a mason jar of artisanal dark roast.
Will The Flash need the AED station? Jon Fleischman, the (all rise) Politics Editor of Breitbart California and founder of the indispensable Flash Report, has been churning out a steady series of breathless advances about the convention while banging the fan boy drum for his hero Cruz. The last time we glanced at The Flash’s full-figured physique, we gauged his total cholesterol at around 215, so we stand ready to grab the pads and shout “clear” should he suddenly clutch his chest.
Will Brulte be anointed Eternal General Secretary of the Party? In just three years, state party chairman Jim Brulte has done a terrific job of restoring financial stability and political vigor to the California GOP (also, shh, a smidgen of ideological sanity to which he’d never admit). One of the resolutions before the delegates would relax term limits on a chairman’s tenure – which we expect to pass unanimously, awarding Brulte eternal incumbency, along with the titles of “Father of the People,” “Ever Victorious Iron-Willed Commander,” “Guiding Star of the 21st Century” and other honorifics bestowed upon fellow venerated political boss Kim Jong-il.
Will S.F. protesters reclaim the troublemaker crown from Disneyland demonstrators? Pro and anti-Trump forces clashed in Anaheim this week, flinging pepper spray and fuck yous at each other, divided over a resolution before the city council that sought official condemnation of the Dear Leader Who Wears an Eagle’s Nest on his Head. San Francisco’s armies of anarchists, agitators, revolutionists, subversives and syndicalists face a stiff challenge in matching the passion and scale of the Orange County turmoil but the early line has them a 1-5 favorite to pull it off.
Will throngs of Latinos show up to sing Trump’s praises? El Trumpo just loves proclaiming how much “the Hispanics love me,” no doubt for pledging to build a wall to keep all those drug-dealing rapists away from their pre-quinceañera daughters. So we await eagerly the whoppers Little Fingers uses in eschewing the Actual Fact that eight in ten Latinos think he’s the worst thing to show up in California since 1994 when Gov. Pete Wilson – aka hijo de puta – destroyed the Republican brand with Prop. 187 and his “They Keep Coming” TV ad.
Will Page pull the plug? Maybe Google CEO Larry Page can staunch all internet searches from computers at the Hyatt Regency as a peace offering to ColorOfChange protesters. Furious that the Mountain View company is a sponsor of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, they dumped 400,000 signatures on the Don’t Be Evil outfit Thursday, demanding they withdraw because of Trump’s “stereotypical and violent rhetoric” and his “race-baiting message.” All of which should be on display this weekend.
Will Carly defend Ted against charges he’s Satan? John Boehner has outraged the Responsible Satanic Community everywhere by calling Cruz “Lucifer in the Flesh,” thereby giving Beelzebub a bad name. We wonder if Carly Fiorina, named this week as Taliban Ted’s political fantasy camp vice president, has enough behind her resting bitch face to backstop him, given her utter failure to stand up for Christine O’Donnell in 2010 against accusations that the Tea Party Senate wannabe was a witch.
P.S We’ll be tweeting throughout the weekend at https://twitter.com/CalbuzzBlog. Our full report will appear on Monday.