Santa, Under NRA Protection, Delivers the Goods


By the time you read this, Santa will have returned to the North Pole, safe and secure having been guarded by Wayne LaPierre riding shotgun on his sleigh with an AR-15. Sadly, Santa did not drop Wayne off over the frozen tundra and so he’ll be around making sure all the good little girls and boys learn proper handling of the Glock 27s they got for Christmas.

Nevertheless, here’s our annual holiday greeting on behalf of our Department of Spiked Eggnog and Cooked Geese, an excerpt from our favorite yuletide poem, “A Child’s Christmas in Wales,” by the late Calbuzzer Emeritus Dylan Thomas:

Years and years and years ago, when I was a boy, when there were wolves in Wales, and birds the color of red-flannel petticoats whisked past the harp-shaped hills, when we sang and wallowed all night and day in caves that smelt like Sunday afternoons in damp front farmhouse parlors and we chased, with the jawbones of deacons, the English and the bears, before the motor car, before the wheel, before the duchess-faced horse, when we rode the daft and happy hills bareback, it snowed and it snowed. But here a small boy says: “It snowed last year, too. I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”

“But that was not the same snow,” I say. “Our snow was not only shaken from whitewash buckets down the sky, it came shawling out of the ground and swam and drifted out of the arms and hands and bodies of the trees; snow grew overnight on the roofs of the houses like a pure and grandfather moss, minutely white-ivied the walls and settled on the postman, opening the gate, like dumb, number thunderstorm of white, torn Christmas cards.”

All best wishes for the holiday from Calbuzz.

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  1. avatar Incredulous says:

    Let’s forget about Wayne La Pierre today and even the plight of Dylan Thomas who died early, ravaged by alcohol.

    Thanks for remembering this most beautiful Christmas story about boys smoking candy cigarettes and scandalizing passersby in a small seaside Welsh town on Christmas Day when “snow was …shaken from whitewash buckets down the sky” and “came shawling out of the ground….”

    Only Ohio transplants to California could appreciate this.

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