The Secret Ads eMeg & Steve Don’t Want You to See
As Meg Whitman lobbed yet another stink bomb at Steve Poizner, Calbuzz rang up our friend Bill Carrick, the noted long distance runner who moonlights as a Democratic media consultant, to ask what he thinks of the escalating air war between eMeg and the Commish.
“I’ve had the alarming revelation that we have two dangerous left-wingers running in the Republican primary for governor,” he said. “I can barely sleep at night.”
With Carrick’s blinding insight fresh in our minds, we contacted sources close to our imagination to discover the secret plans of both campaigns for the final month of the race. Here’s how we see things playing out:
May 14 – Poizner launches a tough new weekend attack on immigration:
There are five million, border busting illegal immigrants in California.
Over half work at Meg Whitman’s house.
eMeg counter-punches hard:
Like goat meat in your tacos?
Then you’ll love Steve Poizner as governor.
May 18 – With three weeks left before the primary, Whitman consultant Mike Murphy rolls out a daring new theme, hammering Meg’s rival with a big swing on cultural values:
Left-winger Steve Poizner: Ever seen him in the same room as Castro?
After a quickly assembled, two-hour emergency focus group, Team Steve media strategist Stuart Stephens pulls an all-nighter producing a new spot to answer the assault:
Meg Whitman: The frappuccino-sucking, NPR-supporting, Bernie Sanders-loving, Lacoste-wearing East Coast elitist who Californians just can’t trust.
May 25 – eMeg’s tracking poll shows Steve still vulnerable on abortion, and her advisers take a huge gamble in airing a positive spot:
Meg Whitman has ALWAYS believed in the Immaculate Conception. The waffling Steve Poizner? Not so much.
Armed with fresh poll data micro-analyzing micro-targeted questions on the pro-life issue, Camp Poizner doubles down on their negative track:
Know what commie Meg Whitman and the Red Chinese have in common?
Just Google “same sex abortion” on your home computer.
June 1 – One week before the election, both candidates return to the bread-and-butter issue of taxes in making their closing arguments, as the Commish unveils a bold Prop. 13 message:
Ever wonder why Meg Whitman won’t tell us who killed Howard Jarvis? Hmmmm…
eMeg fires back fiercely:
There’s only one big-spending corrupt Republican insider who wants to drive old folks from their homes and pick the carrion from the bones of our seniors: Say hello to Steve Poizner, grandma.
I’m Meg Whitman, and I approved this message.
June 9 – Final returns show that Whitman and Poizner win only 12 votes apiece, as most Republicans stay home and those who don’t cast write-in ballots for the late Evelle Younger.
A few hours later, Arnold Schwarzenegger issues an executive order proclaiming himself Governor for Life, announcing the move in a brief statement: “I’m baaack.”
Let Checchi be Checchi: When we saw that former Northwest Airlines co-chairman and 1998 candidate for governor Al Checchi has resurfaced at the San Francisco Chronicle, and read with interest his essay on political reform posted on Carla Marinucci’s blog, we couldn’t resist tweaking Al, who had written:
Only the national media has (sic) the infrastructure and reach to provide a national forum for catalyzing change. There is a unique opportunity for a media outlet to provide that forum, assume a leadership position within and for the industry, and provide a vital service to the American people and the country.
So we asked him: What are you going to do about it? Here’s his reply:
If I were younger, I would buy CNN and repurpose it.
1. Provide the public a source of comprehensive, independent, and unbiased information about the substance of the critical issues that we face and the range of policy options available to address them.
2. Employ public polling and new media to gauge public opinion and use the network to amplify the general public’s position on the issues to facilitate the building of national consensus.
3. Provide similarly unbiased information to the public about the experience, character, qualifications, and positions of the people who stand for public office to improve the calibre of people to whom we cede political power.
In other words, I would get back to the basics of a comprehensive journalism that informs, educates, and provides a vital and constructive service to a Democratic society.
Since I am no longer young, I must content myself with half a loaf and try to develop programming and persuade a major media outlet to broadcast it.
Thanks, Al. No one ever called us “a major media outlet” before.
P.S. Checchi’s best one liner re. Meg Whitman’s business experience as a credential for governor: She’s just “a marketing person who ran an electronic auction house.”
With Apologies to TMZ
Checchi’s goals are mutually contradictory. On one hand, he wants to build a neutral, nonpartisan news source. On the other, he wants that news source to base its coverage on opinion polls, and to structure its reports in a way that amplifies majority views into a national consensus. Huh? How can the media be neutral if it is intentionally using its power to push outcomes in a particular direction? And who says the majority view is always right? If neutral reporting reveals that the majority view is wrong, where does Checchi’s media go? Do they tell the truth, or do they flatter the presumptions of the majority?
The “secret ads” are absolutely hilarious. A+ on the political imagination score!
And yes! That is a good looking horse!