With the defeat of the budget propositions and Sacramento in gridlock, readers are feeling anxious and depressed about state finances, and have flooded the mailbox of our Chief Political Psychiatrist and Barbecue Chef, Dr. P. J. Hackenflack. With the approval of the Calbuzz Ethics and Privacy Committee, the good doctor agreed to share some of his replies.
Dear Dr. Hackenflack
I heard that Arnold is giving a big speech on the budget today to all the members of the Legislature crowded together on the Assembly floor. What is he going say?
— Howard J. in Paradise
I read where Arnold’s Chief of Staff Susan Kennedy said California’s tax structure is “too progressive.” How is that possible?
— Miss Vicky in Marin
She’s a recovering liberal who thinks rich people pay waayyy too much in income taxes.
Dear Dr. H.,
Do the Republican legislators have any innovative ideas for cutting the budget?
— Lonesome in Folsom
Yes. They’re pretty sure we can save billions by building new prisons right next to public high schools, so graduates can go directly to jail.
My Dear Doctor,
Some blog quoted Senator Feinstein as saying Californians deserve all the budget cuts ‘cuz they didn’t vote for Props 1A and 1B. What kind of leadership is that?
— Hope in Brentwood
It’s part of her three-pronged program for California: eat your vegetables, be in bed by 9 p.m. and go directly to the principal’s office at once.
Herr Professor Hackenflack,
Someone told me the Democrats have a plan to fix the budget and the water crisis the same time. What gives?
— Worried in Weed
Once a month, taxpayers toss cash into “The Peripheral Canal of Money,” which pumps it upstream, through the Delta, and directly into the treasury. It’s for the children.
Dear Esteemed Doctor,
The governor says he’s going to close all the state parks. Will they ever re-open?
— Smokey in Shasta
Yes. Before long, the 40,000 state employees that Governor eMeg plans to fire will be living in them.
Why doesn’t the governor just come out and tell us what he wants to do to keep California afloat?
— Bruce from Pasadena
Despite all his macho and muscles, he actually has no idea how to swim.
Dear Dr. Hackster,
Isn’t the answer to this whole budget mess giving local government the power to raise taxes with a majority vote?
— Edmund from Oakland
You need to check with Howard J. in Paradise.