As a public service and sparing no cost, calbuzz has hired the renowned political psychologist Dr. P.J. Hackenflack, to offer counseling to those afflicted by California’s political system. Not surprisingly, we have received a batch of letters from people suffering ailments after reading the voter guide to the May 19 special election.
Dear Dr. Hackenflack,
Debra Bowen wrote in the official election guide that “voting is easy.” But when I read the analysis of Prop. 1A, my colon locked up and my eyes crossed and got stuck. What should I do?
— Earnest in Eagle Lake
Google “Garamendi for Governor,” click on “latest video” and watch it at full volume. Your colon will unlock nicely and your eyeballs will roll back in your head.
Dear Doctor,
I’m employed at a big casino in Las Vegas, and have been assigned to set the line on the $5 billion being borrowed from the lottery if Prop. 1C passes. What are the odds of that happening?
— Stayin’ in Vegas
Slightly less than the chances of Arnold spending two consecutive nights in Sacramento.
Hey Doc,
Someone told me that if Prop. 1B wins, and Prop. 1A loses, then Prop. 1B loses. Wussup with that?
— Overtaxed in Temecula
It doesn’t matter. CTA and their consultants get all the money anyway.
Sir,
I keep hearing about the “rainy day fund.” What happens to all that money if the drought keeps up?
— MWD, Chinatown
Not to worry. Bill Lockyer is working on a deal to insure California with AIG.
Dear P.J.,
A friend says that if Prop. 1E is defeated, little kids all over the state won’t have anywhere to go to pre-school. What is the Republican plan for dealing with that?
— Sob Sister, West L.A.
Build more prisons.
Dear Dr. H,
I work in the Legislative Analyst’s office and wrote this about the fiscal impact of Prop 1A:
“Some of these factors would make it easier to balance the state budget in the coming years. Other factors could it make more difficult. The net result of these factors is difficult to determine in any particular year.”
My question is: do you think I can get a job in newspapers?
— Capitol cubicle dweller
Definitely – you have a bright future as an editorial writer, probably at the SF Chronicle.
Dear Dr. Hackenflack,
Can you tell me what happens if voters turn down the revenue requests in Props. 1C, 1D and 1E?
— Tom in Campbell
Everybody in SEIU will eat communally out of Maria’s vegetable garden.
Dear Dr. H,
Prop. 1D is called “Protects Children’s Services Funding.” But it seems like it actually takes money away from children’s services. Can you help me understand this?
— Disoriented in Chico.
Stop reading immediately. Dick Riordan was the last person to read Prop. 1D, and it caused his head to explode.
Doctor,
I have a choice between reading the ballot handbook and “Rememberance of Things Past.” What should I do?
— Marcel from Cucamonga
Go with the Proust – it won’t take as long.
Dear Dr. HF,
I’ve read everything I can find about the election and I still feel like I don’t understand. What more can I do?
— Garry from Arnold
Call Debra Bowen at home.
