Rummaging through decades of dust and rat leavings, our Department of Archival Research and Hoarder Magazine Stacks in recent weeks has examined every document, file and cocktail napkin scribble that is cached in our bomb shelter archive, desperately seeking to answer 2015’s most pressing journalistic question: Is Donald Trump an alien?
What else, we’ve wondered, but an insidious, brain-sucking, mind control tractor beam, wielded by extraterrestrials (Plutonians still pissed off about that whole not-a-planet thing?), could explain the enthusiasm of millions of Earthlings for Trump, a bizarre creature with the personality of Mussolini who resembles a corpulent Gonk Troll stuffed into a bespoke Brioni?
Our first clue was a full-page ad in a tattered, May 2004 copy of “Good Housekeeping.”
With his trademark rictus grin, Trump in the photo strikes a pitchman’s pose on behalf of a lavish, trademark GE Monogram Kitchen — allegedly located in “an unoccupied 90th floor penthouse” (a stage set inside the creature’s spacecraft?)—as he wields…a piece of pizza, a slice, it should be noted that is plain cheese, no meat.
Make America great again, indeed.
A surprise breakthrough: Moments after this discovery, however, a Calbuzz research gnome, reeling with strong drink, toppled a six-foot tower of cruddy old reference guides and textbooks; one was a Mayo Clinic publication that crashed to the floor and mysteriously opened to a page headlined, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others.
But behind this mask of ultra confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.
Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy (psychotherapy).
The investigation had suddenly lurched into an entirely new, and unexpected direction.
A wise man tokes: Flummoxed and uncertain, the research team decamped to the office of Staff Psychiatrist, Dr. P.J. Hackenflack, whom they found intensely nodding to the haunting hook of “Strange Brew” while undergoing his daily herbal treatment for appetite loss.
He pondered a moment before exhaling.
“Oh wow,” he said, clearly awestruck at the implications of the case.
Unlocking the mystery: Before long, not more than two or three hours, Dr. H directed us to The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), the 2013 version of the American Psychiatric Association’s foundational classification and diagnostic instrument.
DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:
–Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
–Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
–Exaggerating your achievements and talents
–Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
–Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
–Requiring constant admiration
–Having a sense of entitlement
–Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations.
–Taking advantage of others to get what you want
–Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs or feelings of others
–Being envious of others and believing others envy you
Bottom line: “This only-in-Calbuzz insight not only entirely disproves the widespread theory of Trump as a man from outer space — but also establishes and confirms the psychological basis for his political appeal,” Dr. H. concluded. “Trump is nothing less than history’s most fully evolved avatar of American capitalism, imperialism and military aggression.”
“Clearly, once again, Calbuzz has produced landmark original research that will have profound impact, when the Beltway dimwits finally catch on,” he concluded.