As Californians prepare to celebrate Memorial Day with a traditional blue-state feast, starting off with tofu burgers washed down with 13 or 14 beers and ending 12 hours later with a full face-plant into the guacamole, our Department of American History and Corporate Event Planning sends a memo reporting that a number of bright-red states started the party early.
Over the past few weeks, nine Southern states — representing 161 electoral votes, it should be noted — staged commemorations of what they officially recognize as Confederate Memorial Day, a somber time to remember and honor the sacred values of The Lost Cause, like, you know, slavery, segregation and white supremacy.
Wielding the stars and bars, singing “Dixie” and reciting the Confederate pledge (“I salute the Confederate Flag with affection, reverence and undying remembrance to the cause for which it stands”) a mere 147 years after the end of the Civil War, descendants of Southern
traitors patriots solemnly reaffirmed their duty never to forget their glorious heritage, from Louisiana to, um, Lynchburg, Va.
Jamey Wentsky, commander of Sons of Confederate Veterans Camp 1959, read the charge of the Sons of Confederate Veterans. The charge, written by former Confederate lieutenant general Stephen Dill Lee after the Sons of Confederate Veterans’ founding in 1896, includes requests for succeeding generations to remember and pass on accurately the legacy of the Confederate soldier:
”To you, Sons of Confederate Veterans, we will commit the vindication of the cause for which we fought. To your strength will be given the defense of the Confederate soldier’s good name, the guardianship of his history, the emulation of his virtues, the perpetuation of those principles which he loved and which you love also, and those ideals which made him glorious and which you also cherish.”
Mittens cool to Krusty: On the very day PPIC reported that Mitt Romney enjoys the support of a whopping 39 percent of Californians, we were amused, if not amazed, to find Mittens taking a brief break from making the world safe for the 1% to generously explain to us dopes who live here exactly what’s wrong with the Golden State.
In an interview with National Review, the great man explained that Governor Gandalf “is taking them [that would be us] in the wrong direction.”
As the governor continues to raise taxes on the most successful, the most successful will leave. Others will decide to not open their doors because the risk will be too great that even if they’re successful, the government will end up taking what they earn.
And then the splendid kicker:
I wish Californians had elected Meg Whitman. She would have been more successful and explained to Californians the need to cut back on spending and eliminate unnecessary programs.
Mitt’s right, of course. While our old friend eMeg could only fire a measly 27,000 people at Hewlett-Packard this week, just think what she might have accomplished in driving the unemployment rate if she had the entire state government to work with.
“While I wouldn’t say we have turned the corner, we are making real progress,” Whitman told analysts during a conference call.
And thank you for that.
Secret memo to David Axelrod: Whatever ads you’re running in whatever rotations in whatever states right now, take them down immediately, and replace them with the You Tube songify mashup of “Mitt Likes Music, Including This” alternating with this terrifying clip of Mittens laughing.
Clothes make the men: We followed with great interest the recent profound national debate and discussion that ensued when Mark Zuckerberg showed up on Wall Street wearing his trademark hoodie. Drilling down on this crucial issue, the Paper of Record reported:
Mr. Zuckerberg, of course, often wears a hoodie. Perhaps he thinks it’s fetching. Perhaps, he wears it because it is his trademark, much like the Issey Miyake custom-made black turtlenecks that Steve Jobs, one of Mr. Zuckerberg’s executive idols, wore during his public appearances. (Mr. Jobs had hundreds of them made, and he told his biographer, Walter Isaacson, that he had enough of them to wear every day for the rest of his life.)
Hoodies, like black turtlenecks, appear casual, like you just threw on the first thing you could find dangling on a hook behind the door. In fact, it carries a lot of meaning. It signifies the opposite of a Hermès tie, the favored accoutrement of Wall Street. It signifies that you’re busy making things that are really, really important to the world, which is what Silicon Valley believes, and hey – you don’t really care what you look like.
So we instantly decided we really need a corporate clothing trademark, an iconic fashion statement that provides a compelling visual signifier of our no-bull brand.
Happy Confederate Memorial Day.