Within the tangled Politics-Media-Entertainment complex, it’s hard to find two people more self-absorbed, self-important and self-regarding than Kim Kardashian and Gavin Newsom.
That’s why our Department of Pilot Script Development and Low Rent Cable Fare was completely stoked this week upon hearing the news that Prince Gavin is getting his own TV show while celebutard Kim K has decided to run for mayor of Glendale.
Talk about cross-dressing crossover infotainment!
Noting the “treasure trove of talent here in California,” the lite gov promised he’ll invite onto his show guests with “big ideas” who “are not getting the exposure I think they deserve.” Well, when it comes to being exposed, there are few talents more worthy than the apollonian Armenian herself, who says she’s hoping to be elected chief executive of the Jewel City “in, like, five years.”
Much as Arnold Schwarzmuscle announced his candidacy for governor on Jay Leno, Her Kimness would be well-served to kick start her campaign on Gavin’s Amateur Hour, where the randy host doubtless would welcome her with open arms, among other things.
GN: So Kim, enough about me. What do you think of me?
KK: I heard you were like, a lieutenant? So I’m surprised you’re like, not wearing a uniform?
GN: You like a man in uniform? I can arrange that.
KK: I do – just ask Chris! Except the whoooole time we were married, he was always, like, taking his off. And then he’s all like, “uh, ya wanna bone?” Whatever. Hey, didn’t you used to be somebody?
GN: When I was young. I used to be mayor of San Francisco.
KK: That’s awesome! I’m gonna be like mayor of Glendale.
GN: So I’ve heard – why did you decide to run?
KK: When my sisters and me were, like, little and stuff, our mom would always say, “Remember girls — booty calls.”
And then Kourtney texts me and she’s all like, OMG a-hole, mom was saying, “Duty calls!” So I’m like, LOL, that’s awesome and it just seemed, like, an amazing thing to do?
GN: And as mayor, will you promote green energy – solar, biomass, windmills?
KK: My ex-husband, Chris? Used to fart, like all the time? Talk about wind energy! Ee-yew. That’s, like, the biggest reason I divorced him. But I love green, Gavin, like, that mini I wore with like, the cinched waist nude belt and the lace-up heels? Remember? The night before my bachelorette party? When Khloe got me the penis cake?
GN: Yeah, I heard that was recyclable.
KK: LMFAO! That’s, like, exactly what Ray J used to say about our sex tape.
GN: And we’ll be right back with Mayor-elect Kim Kardashian – whether you like it or not.
Science in imitation of art: Over at CalWatchdog, the occasionally insightful John Seiler worked himself into a state this week over our tightly reasoned takedown of Fox News, protesting that we’re a pack of petty, pig-headed prigs for calling out the Sons of Rupert’s practice of scrupulously providing equal time to climate science deniers. Or as the great man himself put it:
And get what CalBuzz is upset about: FoxNews insisted that its news readers provide two views on the global warming controversy. What’s wrong with having more opinions?
This just in: Calbuzz has obtained an advance look at CalWatchdog’s news budget and can exclusively report the conservative site plans to break some blockbuster stories in coming days:
NEWTON - New study by the Institute for the Advancement of Unknowable Knowledge tears gaping holes in theory of so-called Law of Gravity. Some law – just look at birds and planes flying! Seeking comment from other side. (Greenhut)
BASEBALL - CalWatchdog data base analysis confirms Padres would have won more World Series championships than any other team but for burdensome regulations enforced by umpires calling the Infield Fly “Rule.” Checking to see if George Steinbrenner available to respond. (Seiler).
ELLIPSOID - One-on-one with incoming president of Flat Earth Society who has fresh evidence Magellan was kicking back, sucking mai tais in the Canary Islands while allegedly “circumnavigating” the globe. Good art – maps. (Grimes).
Political time sink: Don’t miss the new campaign war game tool Timm Herdt has posted on his “95% accurate” blog. With a major assist from Camarillo computer genius David Maron, Timm Terrific offers readers hands-on experience in the kind of number crunching that shapes political strategy, allowing them to plot election scenarios by plugging in partisanship and turnout variables.
The worst story in the world: Not sure who was snoozing at the switch over at 5th and Mish, but the Hearst Chron’s splashy 20th anniversary “commemoration” of the execution of Robert Alton Harris was a disgrace.
Ostensibly a profile of anti-death penalty advocate Michael Kroll, the piece offered sob sister recollections of Harris on Death Row — playing dominoes, talking about art and chowing down on Christmas “apple pies and turkeys” in the years before he finally “writhed with his last breaths of poison gas.”
Whatever you think of the death penalty (and California voters will likely get to weigh in on a November ballot measure about the issue), there are generally what John Seiler might call “two sides” to any capital case. Ill-served by his editors, however, the paper’s young writer (we name no names, to spare his family embarrassment) managed to churn out 1,000 words on the “commemoration” — without devoting a single one to recounting the crimes that earned Harris the gas chamber.
Here’s a refresher course: In 1978, the scumbag carjacked two 16-year olds who were eating burgers in a Jack in the Box parking lot in San Diego, then made them drive into the woods, where he shot and killed both at point blank range with a 9mm Luger. First he told one of the boys to “quit crying and die like a man,” adding that, “God can’t help you now, boy, you’re doing to die,” as the kid began to pray. Then he finished their burgers, bragged to his girlfriend about the murders and laughed about the idea of a cop having to tell the families their boys were murdered.
Poor old misunderstood Harris. Just asking: Doesn’t anybody read the clips any more?
Quote of the week: “I can speak for myself and my fellow chiefs: We’re embarrassed by what occurred in Colombia, though we’re not sure exactly what it is.” – Chairman of Joint Chiefs, speaking about the party-hearty prostitute scandal during President Obama’s trip to Colombia.
Headline of the week: “Smirking Gun,” The Sun’s boffo slammer on its excloo about the escapades of Her Royal Hotness, Pippa Middleton, in Paris.
Dumbass of the week: Bob Beckel’s greatest claim to fame is helming Walter Mondale’s 49-state, 1984 humiliation by Ronald Reagan, so we never understood why anyone would pay him to go on TV and talk about anything. Now he’s become the first person ever to make us feel sorry for Sean Hannity, which we didn’t think was possible.
Don’t miss quick read of the week: Joan Walsh’s post on the unspeakably self-entitled attitudes of Mittens and his hausfrau.
Hell freezes over: Calbuzzer Dave Hyams looked with astonishment this week at the bizarre spectacle of the Washington Nationals holding down first place in the tough National League East division. We turn now for analysis to our man in Washington, Marc Sandalow: The Nationals being in first place is about as likely as Newt Gingrich or Rick Santorum being taken seriously as presidential candidates. We can only hope that the team’s moment atop the pack lasts longer than the candidates’. The Nationals may be the only Washington institution all of America can love.
How ‘bout that Stephen Strasburg!
Bag Money in the Bag: U.S. Rep. Brad Sherman, one of two Dems running for Congress in the 30th CD, might want to take note of the cavalcade of Dem bigwigs who have signed on to sponsor a $1,000/pp Sactown funder on April 23 for the other guy, U.S. Rep. Howard Berman. Included in the invite: Jerry Brown, Darrell Steinberg, John Perez, Bill Lockyer, John Chiang, Betty Yee, Karen Bass, Alex Padilla, Antonio Villaraigosa, Herb Wesson, 22 members of the Legislature,Willie Brown, John Burton, Fabian Nunez, David Roberti, yada yada yada. Meanwhile, Brad’s reportedly raising money for his 2014 re-elect so that his cash on hand will look good. Sheesh.