Calbuzz Secret Plan to Plug Gulf Coast Oil Gusher

May27

Along with the rest of the nation, Calbuzz finds ourselves in the unlikely position of rooting for the predatory greedbags at BP, desperately hoping they succeed with their latest half-baked scheme to stem the poisonous, filthy geyser of oil that their rapacious recklessness has sent spouting from the sea bottom in the Gulf of Mexico.

The avaricious thieves at BP are trying to stop the toxic torrent with a method called “top kill” which, as the New York Times explains, “involves pumping thousands of pounds of heavy fluids into a five-story stack of pipes in an effort to clog the well .”

Sounds good, but we have one important suggestion:

Instead of thousands of pounds of “heavy fluid,” why not jam up the hole with thousands of pounds of “ bungholes and bores,” the kind of self-absorbed pols and media celebrities who give Calbuzz a major pain, stuffing them down in there until the flow is stopped by the sheer mass and weight of every annoying and unbearable cretin, nitwit and schmuck we can round up.

Feel free to email us your own list of candidates, but for our money, here’s the Top 10 List of “Top Kill” nominees to squish down into the well.

1-Chris Matthews – How we wish this self-deluded pea brained, loudmouth putz, who keeps setting new standards of stupidity, would choke down a couple barrels of sulfurous crude, which might be just the thing to cure his chronic case of logorrhea. Of course, then we couldn’t watch him.

2-Glenn Beck – By itself, the combination of Beck’s fat head and fat ass could be enough to seal off the entire pipe, particularly if we throw his friggin’  blackboard in there with him. Plus: the phony tears this repulsive wiggler loves to shed on cue could take the place of that “heavy fluid” the Times keeps mentioning.

3-Gavin Newsom – The vast clouds of natural gas pouring from the well would help Newsom keep his over-inflated sense of self-importance at a high level, and he’d never even notice a couple thousand extra gallons of oil in his hair.

4-Sarah Palin – Corking up an oily hole would be cosmic justice for Ms. Drill Baby Drill and, given her latest whack job Facebook rant, she’d no doubt be well-pleased to escape the prying eyes of Joe McGinnis.

5-Arlen Specter – The ghastly and decrepit octogenarian has-been is well-suited to navigate any unexpected twists, turns and bends in the undersea pipe, given his sorry history of political contortions, not to mention his authorship of the Magic Bullet theory.

6-John Boehner – A good thick coating of rust-colored grease is just what the insufferable House minority leader needs to keep his unnatural skin color slick and shiny, not to mention that the federal deficit will likely plummet when taxpayers quit forking out for his daily spray man tans.

7-Lindsay Lohan – A mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico is just about the only place Lilo could possibly succeed in not having a drink, or getting a spoon stuck up her nose, for five minutes. The only non-pol to make the list, she’d also finally get a break from her monstrous father, Michael.

8-Bill Clinton – That massive pie hole of his is big enough to head off half the goo destined for the coast of Florida, and the cruel sacrifice of him not being able to hear himself talk for the first time in six decades is worth the chance he might win a special citation Nobel, finally getting even with that anti-fossil fuel goody-goody Gore.

9-Rand Paul – He’s no doubt right that Barack Obama’s bashing of BRITISH Petroleum is un-American, so here’s his chance to be a hero on behalf of private enterprise, nice and cozy in the one place he doesn’t have to worry about people who look different plopping down in a seat next to him.

10-Arnold Schwarzenegger – Putting aside the high-value, practical plugging worth of his bulging pecs, lats and glutes,  the guy ain’t good for much else, let’s face it.

Black Gold, the sequel: On Tuesday, we told you about Democrat John Laird whacking Republican Sam Blakeslee with an ad about offshore oil in the special election race in the 15th senate district, one of two  campaigns in the neighborhood where the issue takes center stage.

A little further south, a hotly contested primary battle in the 35th Assembly District, in Santa Barbara and Ventura counties,  has Democrats and environmentalists divided in their support for coastal advocate Susan Jordan and S.B. city councilman Das Williams.

The district has been ground zero in the long-running battle over the now defunct Tranquillon Ridge plan, and the Jordan-Williams match-up is the political manifestation of local polarization over the project.

Jordan is married to termed out 35th AD Assemblyman Pedro Nava, who led the successful fight against T-Ridge in the Legislature, and when she first announced her candidacy to succeed him last year, Williams said he was backing her.

But Jordan was fighting fiercely against the offshore proposal, which was backed by other local enviros, including Williams, who in short order  dropped his backing of her to declare his own candidacy, saying he was doing it because of T-Ridge, co-sponsored by several Santa Barbara green groups and PXP oil company.

Fast forward to the present, and the two are exchanging volleys of mailers and angry charges on the subject. Williams, seeking to inoculate himself, sent out a brochure  highlighting his past opposition to drilling, without mentioning the politically complicated PXP matter; Jordan counter-punched hard, with a mailer featuring a big ole color photo of the Deepwater Horizon exploding and burning, with a screamer headline: “Das Williams supported the PXP oil drilling deal – even after the Gulf spill.”

At which point the local Democratic county committee, which is led by a close pal of Williams, called a press conference to denounce Jordan for alleged dirty campaigning, a move that served to make it more likely that the PXP offshore drilling will be the decisive issue in the race.

We’re just sayin’: One of the big issues in the T-Ridge debate was whether or not the state would have the power to enforce end dates for PXP to stop drilling off federal platforms near Santa Barbara, a key feature of the proposal.

Jordan, among others, repeatedly insisted the authority on the federal leases would eventually rest with the U.S. Minerals Management Service. and that the agency has a natural pro-drilling bias that could upset the whole deal. After reading the new Inspector General’s report on the MMS, it’s hard to argue with that position.

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There are 7 comments for this post

  1. avatar pedronava says:

    The purportedly “new” EDC/PXP agreement still isn’t good enough and can’t be enforced. State Lands Commissioner John Chiang asked SLC staff to review the most recent version. This time the document was made public, not kept secret like before. After a painstaking review, the SLC staff determined that the deal is still NOT enforceable. So while MMS is riddled with corruption and wrongdoing (yeah-that’s who I want supervising the platform and conducting safety inspections) Williams continues to embrace the flawed and failed first new offshore oil drilling in CA Sanctuary Act waters in over 40 years-even after the disaster in the Gulf, even after 110 environmental groups oppose it, even after the Governor changed his mind and even after the SLC has said it is still unenforceable. Those are the facts, you decide.

  2. avatar tonyseton says:

    I think your top ten plugs are a good start. If more are needed, may I recommend that they insert the oleaginous political message producers and the station owners who play their lies.

  3. avatar 4oceans says:

    What is up with the Democratic Party in Santa Barbara? Since when do they spend their credibility humping and hustling for the candidate who SUPPORTS offshore oil drilling? Even California Gov. Arnie Climatenator opposes PXP ! What if Das were actually elected? What then, the SB Democratic Party dedicates itself to coal mining?

    Seems to me that Das Williams and the SB Dem. Party are on verge of inspiring a Reverse Tea Bagger — comprised of people tired of both oil companies and the politicians who cater to them.

  4. avatar Coastwatcher says:

    Jordan is absolutely right on about the problems with PXP. There is no way the end date is enforceable yet Williams continues to insist that it is and that it is safe, even though that is also not true. Even if the end date were enforceable, and it is not, trading drilling into a depleted field for a new one is insane. The worst spills happen in a new field.
    Of course Williams accuses Jordan of dirty campaigning because she dares to tell the truth about what his position means, He doesn’t want his hypocrisy to be revealed. Jordan is the one who had the guts to stand by her commitment to protect the coast at any cost and she should be rewarded with our vote

  5. avatar TheHerdMentality says:

    Regardless of how you feel about the PXP deal, Susan should not be taking photos of the Louisiana BP oil spill with a dead pelican, and layering another politicians picture on it who had nothing to do with it.

    This tactic, like her husband Pedro Nava’s mailer with pictures of falling down schools from out of the area and Bob Pohl’s picture photo-shopped onto them, is a direct form of lying and slander.

    These are qualities I do not want in a politician representing me.

  6. avatar Adelaides Lament says:

    It seems to me that using photos from the BP oil spill is exactly the right thing to do as a warning against what could happen to us. But, Mr. HerdMentality, if you want a Santa Barbara dead bird instead, here’s a dead grebe from that 1969 spill: http://tinyurl.com/3a4nlsv

    Or you can check out this story about the 1969 spill of 3 million gallons off our coast: http://tinyurl.com/njawmk

    Just because you fantasize that you can have your cake and eat it too, doesn’t mean you can. Cripes!

  7. avatar TheHerdMentality says:

    Nearly all oil spills are caused by human error. There is a much higher likelihood of an oil spill due to human error by letting these rigs exist for another 50-100 years as they are. The biggest cause of oil spills is drug and alcohol related. Workers who spend a week at a time living on an oil rig or an oil tanker, abuse drugs and alcohol. Living on a rig is no picnic. It is confining and very boring. Be aware that these rigs will continue to drill and pump oil from the Monterey shale formation for many decades. You increase the likelihood of an oil spill due to the probability of human error by letting these rigs exist indefinitely. Pedro Nava and Susan Jordan have never presented a plan to end current drilling. They could have but they didn’t.

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