Since jillionaire eMeg Whitman is the only person in California politics who could make multi-millionaire Steve “The Commish” Poizner look like a beggar with a tin cup, it’s time for Steverino to lose the Silicon Valley blue blazer and loafers look and go all NASCAR on her Megness.
Our Department of Shallow Perception and Appearance Manipulation – interested in assuring a competitive GOP primary so that Calbuzz has something to write about — has worked up a memo to Team Poizner that we humbly suggest bears considerable attention.
Although he’s 30 points behind now, The Commish can make up ground by pouring several million into TV ads that show him winning hearts and motivating the minds of legions of culturally conservative Hannity Republicans and O’Reilly independents who are equally fed up with liberal arugula Obamaism and eMeg’s brand of horsey, Van Jones, Town and Country elitism.
To: Steve Poizner
From: Calbuzz Department of SPAM
Re: Death to Weenieness
Now that it’s been proved that an obscure politician can win high office just by driving a GMC Canyon pickup and playing Everyman against an arrogant, high-handed, entitled opponent (see Brown, Sen. Scott) it’s time for you to get a “Built Tough” Ford F-150. Some Playboy mud flaps with little silhouette naked ladies and a gun rack would be nice; a 12-gauge would be a special touch. You should put Tanner, your Golden Retriever, in the back. Also a bumper sticker: We recommend the classic “Fortuna’s Got It,” for the North Coast redneck vote.
Moreover, we note that The Whitman Trust is now being advised by Mike Murphy, who so successfully put former Tennessee Gov. Lamar Alexander in a red and black flannel shirt in the 1996 presidential race. “It’s a declaration of political freedom,” Murphy said when he unveiled his candidate in the shirt. “The political thing to wear is the standard blue suit. But Lamar is a different kind of candidate. . . . It was a great day for symbolism.” Let’s take a lead from Murph.
Enough of the campaigning in the drawing rooms of Sacramento, Los Angeles and (gasp) San Francisco, it’s time to get out with the real people: You need to do more hand-shaking outside of Home Depot, Walmart and Target, with stops over in the Food Court for a shake and some fries. (Note to Obvious: You film this and put it in TV ads.) Lose the Chardonnay and the extended pinkie and start wrapping a fist around a long-necked Bud. The jeans and shirt in the web page photo are pretty good (obviously a pro dressed you for that shot). But now that we’re in the thick of it, we suggest a John Deere ball cap as a standard accessory.
You’ve got that black belt in Shotokan karate, but you need to talk about it as mixed martial arts – which is hotter right now – and we’d like to see you (and your film crew) attend some World Wrestling Entertainment events like the Road to Wrestlemania, presented by WWE Raw in the evening on March 14 at the Rabobank Arena in Bakersfield. What a perfect way to come out of the state GOP convention, by showing you roll with your peeps.
Speaking of campaign events, you can show off the New and Improved Steve at the Auto Club 500, Feb. 21, at the Auto Club Speedway in Fontana. This is a genuine NASCAR Sprint Cup event, a place where you can work the crowd. (Note: DO NOT get introduced or ride in a pace car – you WILL be booed. It’s mandatory for NASCAR fans to boo any politician who holds himself out as some sort of icon.) But you can’t spend too much time in Fontana, Indio and Culver City, mingling and shaking hands at events with real people, as opposed to those phony staged happenings where eMeg hangs out with pre-selected Republicans who are only interested in sniffing her spectator pumps.
BTW: We say go NASCAR, not Tea Party, ’cause you can attract the same crowd without spoiling yourself for the general election if you go cultural instead of ideological in your Working Class Hero mode. Which is why you should be listening to music on your iPhone and if anyone asks, it’s Springsteen – the perfect working class artist who appeals to Republicans and independents without pissing off Democrats (because he is one). Practice saying this: “I know it’s old fashioned, but ‘Born in the USA’ is still my favorite song of all time.”
It’s time to find the right endorsers and we’ve got the perfect guy: the amply-tattooed Jesse James, host of “Monster Garage” and Sandra Bullock’s husband. You’ll get extra special love from the Secret Order of Republican Women Who Hate Meg because Jesse is embroiled in a custody battle with a porn star (who isn’t these days?) — Janine Lindemulder, his ex –- over their 6-year-old daughter, Sunny. A benefit of nabbing Jesse: You might get Sandra, too.
You should let the voters know that while there’s a soft spot in your heart for the Giants and the 49ers because they’re close to your home, deep down you’re a fan of the Raiders and the Angels. When Stanford plays Cal, you root for Berkeley; when USC and UCLA go at it, you’re for the public school.
Finally, forget about those old fashioned, dead tree operations like the Sacramento Bee, San Francisco Chronicle, San Jose Mercury News and Los Angeles Times. That’s a waste of time. Spend more time with Car & Driver, Field & Stream, Ladies Home Journal and Penthouse and be sure to stay in touch with ear-to-the-ground operations like Calbuzz. These guys have their finger in the California socket.