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Dr. Hackenflack Returns: Special Carly Edition

Aug26

dr-hackenflackCalbuzz staff psychiatrist Dr. P.J. Hackenflack has been on a leave of absence, serving as a special consultant on health care reform to Sen. Kent Conrad, D-N.D. He returns today to catch up on the Old Mailbag and answer reader questions on some recent political developments.

Dear Dr. Hackenflack,
I see that former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina is running for the U.S. Senate and wondered why she’s known as “Hurricane Carly”?
– M. Whitman, Silicon Valley
Wherever she goes, she leaves destruction in her wake.

Attention: Dr. P.J. Hackenflack,
I thought the Calbuzz reference to Senator Kent Conrad as “a four-eyed, hose-nosed twit” very nearly almost came close to bordering on incivility. How do you respond?
– Earnest Bill, Superior, Wisc.
You should have seen it before the copy desk toned it down.

My Dearest Dr. Hackenflack,
I’ve enjoyed Senator Abel Maldonado’s fascinating tweets about what he eats during late-night legislative sessions but would like some information about what Assemblyman Chuck Devore does for snacks?
– Julia C., Montecito
Generally, he just chews on Carly Fiorina’s ankle.

Yo Hack!
Garry South said that Jerry Brown has had “more positions than the Kama Sutra.” What’s his favorite one?
– Ms. Cosmo, N.Y. N.Y.
Loosely translated it ‘s “Old Gray Stallion Trots to the Left Then Gallops to the Right,” according to Calbuzz’s Department of Sanskrit Documentation.

Dear Colleague: Is it true Steve Poizner recently had surgery?
– B. Casey, M.D., Hollywood
Yes. I’m happy to report he’s recovering nicely from a charisma bypass.

Dr. H,
I understand that as S.F. mayor, Gavin Newsom ignores and blows off the Board of Supervisors. What does that portend for how he’ll deal with the Legislature as Governor?
– Aaron P., Civic Center
How he’ll deal with the WHAT?

Mein Lieber Herr Hackenflack,
A friend of mine compared Carly Fiorina to Marie Antoinette. What in the world could these two have in common?
– Deborah B., Sacramento
Neither of them ever voted. Zut alors!

Doc,
I heard on the street that Meg Whitman is running her own campaign,  modeled on Lincoln’s 1858 Senate race. What’s her expert opinion on how Abe managed his election operation?
– Fleischman Flash, Gettsyburg, Pa.
She’s sure he blundered by agreeing to all those pesky debates with that guy Douglas.

Dear Mr. Big Shot Shrink,
So Tom Campbell says he should be governor cuz he’s a big brain Chicago School economist who trained with Milton Friedman. Big deal – I wonder how many of those guys it takes to change a light bulb.
– A. Bunker, Queens
None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

To whom it may concern,
I can’t thank you enough for publishing that short sample of Barbara Boxer’s new novel, which I greatly admired for its literary quality. Do you perchance have an excerpt of the roman a clef Carly Fiorina is supposedly writing?
– Bulwer Lytton, Knobworth House
Sure: “Cara Sneed caught an approving glimpse of herself in the glass reflection of the post office window. “Yum, you look good, girl,” she chuckled with amusement to herself.

Entering through the entrance door, she caught the admiring glimpse that the shabby tech geek standing on line gave her, and imagined to herself a little thought balloon bouncing in the air above his head – “Whoa, she looks good – I bet that woman can move some digital printers.” Then she softly tee-heed once again to herself.

She gently slipped her absentee ballot into the yawing maw of the patriotically colored mail box, and pivoted gracefully on her strappy Manolos to saunter out through the door, when a sudden flash of dread struck her in the tummy.

“Oh no,” she thought, “I forgot to put a stamp on it again.”


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  1. avatar sqrjn says:

    Its really unfair to make fun of Sen. Boxer for being a terrible writer, she needs recreation from her work being snotty and self entitled with one-star generals. What is deserving of satire is her vanity in publishing under and based on her own name. On that grounds I don’t think your little sketch went far enough. Vanity in women is as common as it is in men, but vanity in old women is an absurd laughingstock of nature. She’s definitely one ‘old before her time, that is to say before she became wise.’

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